Keeping Secrets
by fearlesslybroken
Summary: What do you do when your life is falling apart and you can't even tell your best friend? Lilly is on the way to self destruction and no one can help her. Rated Mature for Cussing, Self Harm, Mature Content, Possible Sexual Content in future chapaters.
1. Break My Heart

**Disclaimer:** Copyrights reserved. I do not own Hannah Montana or any of the characters in this fictional story.

**Warning:** Depressing. Cussing. Self Harm. Mature Content. Possible sexual content and maybe femslash later in the story.

**A/N: **This story is in Lily's POV.

I was drying my thick blonde hair while my bloodshot eyes adjusted to the dry air when my cell rang. Miley's ring tone. The last person I want to talk to when I'm in this state. It was so hard to fake that everything was okay with her, because she knew me too well. She was the closest I had, someone I could trust, even though I still couldn't tell her everything I was going through.. And everything that I am. She wouldn't understand, and I really don't want to risk our friendship. I take a deep breath, and put on my cheeriest voice.

"Hey Miles, what's up?"

_"Hey Lilly! Are we still going to the mall tonight? The Hannah Card is full and I want to get something nice for my best friend!"_

I laughed happily, shopping was a great way to release my pain, and Miley knew that much about me.

"Free stuff? You know I'm there!"

"Great! ...Hey are you okay? You sound kinda off."

See? She always knew, even with my most realistic happy voice. She knew when something was wrong. She has tried to get in my head so many times but I know I can't let her see the person I really am. I was so fucked up and the last thing I needed was the person I see everyday reminding me about it in whatever way, I wanted to keep her as far away from that part of my life as possible.

"Of course I'm fine! I'm about to go shopping!" I laughed, the most real laugh I cold muster. It broke my heart to lie to that girl.

"Okay, just making sure. I'll pick you up in a half hour, sound good?"

"Uh, better than good, like... Pshh, super!"

"Uhmm.. Alright Lilly, well I'll see you then!"

"Bye," I said with my teeth clenched together in an over exaggerated grin. She hung up, and I saw myself in the mirror with my eyes watery and my teeth clenched together in a disgustingly fake smile. I broke into tears again. It made me physically sick to lie to her. No, I was not okay. My parents were getting a divorce, my dad was drinking every night and abusing me. To top it all off, I'm gay and I can't even tell my best friend, who I love so much that it hurts. I can't eat anything, and when I do, it makes me throw up. And, I've been cutting myself on a daily basis for the last 2 years. I've had to furiously hide it from my best friend in fear of her finding out any of these. It seems like her finding out would be the worst thing that could happen.

I put on three tank tops and a long sleeve shirt, so Miley wouldn't think anything of my rapid weight loss and wouldn't be able to see my wrists. She rang my doorbell with an excited smile on her face. She was so adorable. Her hair was in pigtails braids and it was the cutest thing. She was wearing a light turquoise tee-shirt, and beige Bermuda shorts with the friendship bracelet I made for her three summers ago. She hasn't taken it off since.

I opened the door and took in her scent. She smelled like almonds and oranges and I loved it so much.

"Lilley, it's 80 degrees outside, why in the world are you wearing that?" She burnt my skin with her eyes as she looked me up and down, thinking something was wrong.

"I have a cold, so it's okay." I told her, lying. Always fucking lying to her. Shit, I hated it.

"Ok. Well lets get going, I want to get in a full day of shopping in!"

She grabbed my hand and we ran to her car. Her hand was so soft and comforting, and I didn't want to let go.

When we got the mall, everything was in slow motion and I couldn't hear anything. I could feel the deep cuts on my wrists pulsing and my head was spinning. I was at my worst, and I know that Miley knew, because she kept asking me if I was okay. And I kept lying to her and it broke my heart each time I lied. Eighteen times that day to be exact.

We got back to my house, and Miley had bought me apricot lip-gloss, two t-shirts and a new pair of flip-flops.

I got home and Miley wanted to stay with me, but I told her I wasn't feeling well. At least that was true. So I watched her drive away with a worried expression on her face.

As soon as she was out of sight, I broke down into tears on my front porch and found myself laying in a fetal position for at least twent minutes. I ran into my bathroom and took my razor and slashed my deformed wrists eighteen times, one for every lie. I sat on the bathroom floor silent, with my limp, bloody wrists at my sides. I wasn't crying anymore. I was too numb to cry. I just closed my eyes and remembered, before my dad started drinking, and things with my parents were so bad that he hit me. Before I couldn't digest food. Before the pain got so bad that I tore my skin apart with a blade. Before I fell in love with my best friend. I hated myself in every way, and I couldn't even tell the truth to the only person who really cared about me.

*-*-*-*-*

I got up to go into my bed and try to sleep. It was only 7:00AM but I didn't want to do anything else. I couldn't do anything else. I was in my bed for about an hour when I got a text from Miley:

_Hey grl, are you alright? I know I prolly seem paranoid but u did not seem all-together today? Talk to me babe! I'm here 4 u!_

I couldn't reply, I was still too numb to let my fingers press the keys. and I couldn't tell her the truth. I know she wouldn't get it and of course, I couldn't lie to her... Not again, it would just completely destroy any last bit of me that was left.


	2. Shut Up

I woke up to the sound of my parents fighting. What's new? I folded the pillow over my ears. I didn't want to hear them screaming, not right now. I held my breath for it to be over. It was the same words I knew too well. "I don't know why I ever married you, you selfish bastard!" mom would yell. "Oh so _I'm _selfish. If it wasn't for me, you and Lilley would be on the fucking streets!" I hated when he said my name like that. It made my heart race. I plugged my ears and squeezed my eyes tight.

I knew the fight was coming to an end because the screaming had gotten louder. Next I would hear the door slam and my mom cry... again.

"FUCK YOU!" I heard my mom yell at the top of her lungs.

**SLAM**

3... 2... 1 and then tears. I hear my mom fall to the floor and cry violently into her beautiful blonde hair. I fucking hate this. My dad was ruining both of our lives. The last 3 week, he didn't even come home at night. I guess that's better than before, when he came home drunk and would come into my room and hit me and then yell at my mom and make her break down. My mom was so embarrassed from all of this, she wouldn't even look me in the eyes anymore.

I got up and went into the shower. I loved taking showers because it felt like I was washing away all my pain, but at the same time I hated it because I got in to the habit of crying every time. It was also nearly impossible for me to not dig the razor into my skin when I shaved my legs. Fuck I'm messed up.

The warm water soothed my skin as I stood under the showerhead and let the tears flow out of my eyes.

I remembered the time Miley slept over at my house and my parents were fighting and I broke down right in front of her. I couldn't pretend to be alright, I was too upset.

"Lilly, just don't think about it." she whispered with a comforting smile.

Then she held my hand and started singing in her beautiful voice,

"The struggles I'm facing, the chances I'm taking, sometimes they might knock me down but no I'm not breaking. I may not know it, but these are the moments that I'm going to remember most yeah Just got to keep going, and I, I got to be strong just keep pushing on."

She then looked me in the eyes, "You're so strong Lilly Truscott, I know you'll get through this. I have faith in you."

I couldn't meet her eyes. It was too hard. I wish what she said was the truth, but I wasn't strong. She had no idea how weak I really was.

I turned the shower off and walked into my room, I was too exhausted to dry my hair. I checked my phone, 2 missed calls and 3 missed texts, all from Miley. I must have been in the shower longer than I thought.

I slowly pressed the button to read my texts.

_hey lils! What's up for today? Such a beautiful Sunday! Beach?_

_Do you want me to pick you up or are you gunna skate over?_

_Hey where are you, I called and texted a bunch... u okay?_

I texted her back, I couldn't ignore her, she would freak out.

_I still don't feel well. I'll see you at school tomorrow. Xxox_

**SEND**


End file.
